about love

I don't really remember the first time I ever thought about it. When I was a kid, I sometimes felt puzzled: that certain look in granny's eyes when she talked about grandpa, mum buying cakes for us even when we were short on money, grandpa alarmingly quiet while I was drumming on his bald head,  or the other grandpa staying up quite late after a long hard labor day to invent stories for the sleepless me, ending up creating new stories that I remember even today.

But what is love, really, and where does it go when fears take over?
Why is it so hard to talk about it?
Why do we reject it?
Why do we need it so bad and why is it so misunderstood?
Is it in the heart, or also in the mind?
Why is it so connected with everything we do..everything we are?
Where does it begin and does it stop?

Certain things are sure though: You can't push the love button, you can't really lie about it and love is the greatest thing that connects us all: we might not all have the same dreams and hopes, heights or colors, but we most certainly need, feel and give love everyday... everywhere.

top 5 reasons for global Warming

1. melting the ice can only bring people together - we can reach and be reached
   
2. ice as defense mechanism can stop us from experiencing beautiful, authentic emotions
3. extra warmth is never damaging, even when it's not answered back
4. ice is static and controlling - water is life and freedom to move
5. we don't always have to stretch outside our comfort zones to learn. it can happen even when it's cozy and warm!
   

A long time ago, before I was born, I made the decision to start a journey, which would eventually lead me towards a better me. Who am I? Where am I going? What do I leave behind? What is important for me?  What are my fears? What is my best?

I walk blindfolded, but I always reach the right circumstances.

Why?

Exercitu de mandrie

Intalnirea din seara asta mi-a adus la suprafata mai multe lucruri decat as fi sperat. Si pentru ca vreau sa scriu cu inima nu cu capul o sa le pun aici cu furca, asa cum vin, val dupa val.

sunt mandra de mine pentru ca:

- ii ajut sau incerc sa ii ajut pe ceilalti
- vreau sa cresc permanent si lucrez la asta
- pot sa fac multe lucruri deodata si sa am rezultate bune pentru fiecare
- aduc schimbare si entuziasm
- sunt creativa si am multe idei pe care le si pun in practica
- de cele mai multe ori sunt constienta de punctele mele tari
- incerc sa le accept pe cele cu care nu ma mandresc
- am luat decizii bune pentru mine care ma fac sa spun seara, chiar in zilele cele mai grele ca "a fost frumos azi"
- gandesc in viitor si nu mi-e teama de lucruri grele
- ii inspir pe ceilalti si aduc schimbare pozitiva in ei
- sunt constienta de pasiunile mele, pe care le simt ca pe niste fantani fara fund
- ma adaptez repede si ma concentrez pana rezolv lucrurile
- vreau sa ma cunosc - sa imi stiu radacinile, sa imi constientizez temerile, sa scot la suprafata lucruri dureroase
- invat repede
- sunt pozitiva de cele mai multe ori
- sunt sociabila si deschisa
- am incredere in mine
- am facilitat la conferinte internationale
- am coordonat o groaza de echipe de la care am invatat mult
- imi dau seama cate am de invatat de la copii
- prima mea nota a fost 10
- sunt puternica
- sunt perseverenta
- primesc si dau multa iubire
.
.
.
.
....si mai sunt mandra de mine pentru ca am blog si am reinceput sa scriu pe el

Gone going

Cum stateam azi in cada si ma gandeam la ziua lunga pe care am avut-o, la momentele frumoase, cum am atipit langa Matei care m-a rugat sa dorm langa el, cum am tresarit speriata cand a cazut Bogdan din pat si l-am cules plangand in brate, cum am constat uimita ca pe grup s-a pornit o avalansa de mesaje, patania Dariei si discutia cu tatal ei, senzatia repetata ca seman mult cu Roxana, ca ma regasesc in gesturi, cuvinte , chiar stari pe care le are ea, intalnirea in 6 de la 6 si revelatia unui exercitiu aparent banal insa odata in el flashuri din copilarie, senzatia intensa din piept, uimire, durere, intelegere, cina in oras apoi cu Razvan cu gandul la indigestie :), insa linistita intr-un final, cu imaginea unor brate mari care au cuprins o multime si la fel ca pescarii care scot plasele pline incearca sa evalueze situatia, sa sorteze pestii si sa se gandeasca unde vor pune plasele in continuare.

De cand am ajuns in Casuta am intrat intr-o lume plina de oglinzi care din ce in ce mai mult se misca peste tot dupa mine, cateodata ca sa ma amuze sau sa ma uimeasca sau sa imi spuna STOP.

Startul anului asta e grozav de incarcat: examene, dizertatie, munca din Casuta, cursul pentru adulti cu Lorina, sedintele de-acasa, oportunitati pentru vara, Razvan, ai mei, Sis, eu, etc etc etc...insa nu m-as vadea in alta parte altfel...vorba Roxanei: "daca nu le puteai duce nu le aveai..."

Si cum spuneam, cum stateam eu in cada si ma gandeam la toate astea, lipsita de vlaga, insa plina de ganduri, dar si de gratitudine pentru cele doua Zane care ne dau atat de mult, mi-am adus aminte de cand eram in AIESEC, in Bucuresti, venita de la o conferinta, urcata in sf intr-un taxi fara sa trebuiasca sa zic dinainte destinatia, istovita fara masura, asteptand cu nerabdare sa ajung in pat, mi-am adus aminte de taximetristul care tot drumul de 30 min pana acasa mi-a repetat incontinuu: "daca faci o baie inainte de culcare cand esti obosita te vei simti muuuuuuuuult mai odihnita dimineata. Incearca, hai incearca si-ai sa vezi..." I owe this guy my life!

Us

We run in our cages like little white mice, at fast pace, too concerned with the rhythm of his steps to realize he has no destination, no contact with the outer world, no understanding.

We fool ourselves with gods that don't exist, too frightened to do things on our own.

We forget we have roots and identities that go far beyond the nationality on our passports. If history is a garbage bin, we are the trash.

We build intricate webs and systems to push us forward only to find we're sometimes taking steps back.

We blame others, don't assume failures and and look anywhere else but ourselves.

We have fake dialogs each day, with ourselves, with the man next door that believes in freedom and with our working colleagues while negotiating peace.

We are consumed by ourselves, and we consume and act only for ourselves.

We are aggressive even in our harmless ways, imposing our thoughts, having to respect for the others p.o.v.

We forget to love and love to forget.

All these while we move forward.
How on earth is that possible??

Craving

Today I missed Emily and Anne and Sylvia and Virginia. How rare these moments got, when I could read and live and remember, and create. There were days when I couldn't get enough reading, when I sank into them, and they sank into me, days measured in pages read, not minutes or hours. Here's a taste for those who actually read this. You also might like Sylvia or The Hours.

I taste a liquor
by Emily Dickinson

I taste a liquor never brewed,
From tankards scooped in pearl;
Not all the vats upon the Rhine
Yield such an alcohol!

Inebriate of air am I,
And debauchee of dew,
Reeling, through endless summer days,
From inns of molten blue.

When the landlord turn the drunken bee
Out of the foxglove's door,
When butterflies renounce their drams,
I shall but drink the more!

Till seraphs swing their snowy hats,
And saints to windows run,
To see the little tippler
Leaning against the sun!

The Kiss
by Anne Sexton

My mouth blooms like a cut.
I've been wronged all year,
tedious
nights, nothing but rough
elbows in them
and delicate boxes of
Kleenex calling crybaby
crybaby, you fool!

Before today my body
was useless.
Now it's tearing at its
square corners.
It's tearing old Mary's
garments off, knot by knot
and see - Now it's shot full of
these electric bolts.
Zing! A resurrection!

Once it was a boat, quite
wooden
and with no business, no salt
water under it
and in need of some paint. It
was no more
than a group of boards. But
you hoisted her, rigged her.
She's been elected.

My nerves are turned on. I
hear them like
musical instruments. Where
there was silence
the drums, the strings are
incurably playing. You did
this.
Pure genius at work. Darling,
the composer has stepped
into fire.

Mirror
by Sylvia Plath

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.



" Let a man get up and say, "Behold, this is the truth," and instantly I perceive a sandy cat filching a piece of fish in the background. Look, you have forgotten the cat, I say." Virginia Woolf

I never made long term plans, they were commitments I knew I could not keep. Somehow things connected and events and opportunities were flowing one after another. I never compromised so much I did not find myself in whatever I was doing.

Life after @ is indeed less dreamy, and more challenging.You become more aware of what your values are and how values govern the life you lead. Money, ethics, excellence, responsibility, family, helping others, they often go to war against each other. And where there are wars, there are victims. We have evolved so much, we dream of living our lives as professional human beings, with high purposes and conscious choices, but when I look around most people are just trying to survive.

I am moving forward and learning new things, however I am passing through one of those moments I had when I was a kid, when I was writing in one of my so many unfinished journals: " I wish I was able to see myself in 20 years. How I look like, what I do, what kind of life I have." The view is clearer now, but as time goes by, a sort of inner impatience is cornering my mind: What do I live behind???